Unknown's avatar

About james

hoyden will follow the free tendencies of desire hoyden is a pill dropped in a glass of water hoyden is an illusion on a surface of memory hoyden is a finger resting on the controls of a broken machine hoyden turns as she pleases toward all horizons hoyden is perfect sadism, at least as a method hoyden is a beautiful chimera hoyden crouches to intercept shadows hoyden is not in the habit of saluting the dead hoyden will always find buyers hoyden is at most a thinking reed hoyden writes sad and ardent love letters hoyden is a door someone opened hoyden is a dark intention hoyden never waits for itself hoyden leaves an exquisite corpse

‘rents

April 9, 2011

Parents seem like such a static thing in your life. As sure as the sun will rise in the morning (sorry for the clichéd saying. It’s too early on a Saturday morning.), your parents will be there to annoy you, love you, support or chastise you. But they will be there. Even if you have a rocky relationship with them, their presence is a constant running process behind the other noise in your mind. On some level we all understand that we are mortal, that someday we will die, but like most things to us dumb humans – until we experience it, it isn’t really real (pardon me, Emilio).

So what happens when one of them disappears from this world? The static suddenly unhinges and while the sun continues to rise, it’s luster has changed. Static becomes malleable and you are forced to face your own mortality.

Today is the fifth anniversary of my dads death. Today, there was no visible sun rise – it is raining in the desert. A fitting weather for my mood.

I have to go now. Maybe I will write more later today.

april

April is the month of my birthday. It is also the month of Passover and it is also the month my dad died.  Now, he will always be 58, but I will keep getting older. At some point, I will be his age. I will be 58 years old. That gets to me.

April is no longer just a celebration happy happy time of my birthday or the gathering that was my father’s favorite holiday. He died just before Passover, so that holiday is now linked with him. My birthday marker is now inextricably tied with my dad’s death day.

 

daffodils

Ya got me on a run here. After writing about my honeysuckle memories, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about daffodils.

When I was in third, fourth and fifth grades, my mom and I lived in Urbana, Illinois. Smack dab in tornado alley central Illinois. My mom was going to the university and working and we were pretty poor. In order to make some extra money and teach me a lesson in earning my own money, my mom got the idea one year to drive back home to southern Illinois, pick daffodils and bring them back to Urbana to sell them. We did this all three years we lived in Urbana.

Daffodil season in southern Illinois is in early Spring. Mid-March is prime time for the perfumed yellow (and sometimes white) flowers. We would bundle up in chilly central Illinois and drive south to where it was warmer and flowers were blooming. It was a marker of Spring.

Stores sell daffodils in either little planter pots with three or four flowers, or as small bunches wrapped in paper to take home and put in a vase. The ones that we picked grew in fields reminiscent of the uninterrupted poppy fields in the Wizard of Oz. We would drive on bumpy old gravelly back roads until we found a field. Then we would jump out and fill our baskets with the sweet-smelling flowers.

My mom taught me to not pick too many from one bunch lest we strip the flowers from that location. Pick selectively, she advised.

We would gather all day, then spend the evening with my grandparents walking through the woods and warming up next to the wood-burning fireplace while watching the sun set over the Shawnee hills.

Home.

When it was time to leave, we would wrap the flowers and pile them in the old red Fiat and drive the four hours back to Urbana. Monday morning we would take our baskets full of daffodils and sell them for .25 to students and professors on campus. People greeted us with smiles of delight. The flowers reminded them that Spring was just around the corner.

Like a lot of fragile, beautiful things, daffodils are also short-lived so we had a small window in which we could do this adventure each year.

Those simple days shared with my mom were wonderful. To this day, the daffodil remains my favorite flower. It is sunny, fragrant, delicate and graceful.

And the sad thing is that right now I can’t conjure up the smell of my most beloved flower.