ambiance

There is a lot of ambient noise in my house.
The tv, fridge, microwave, computer, monitor… all give off this high-pitched whine.
I’m sure you’ve heard it, or felt it on some level. It’s an extra bit of high tension current oscillating in your living room.
There are plenty of days that I never notice this intrusion. Those are the days that should concern me.

My dad and I had a tool we called, “Damage Assessment”.
The way it worked was you go into the country, somewhere with only trees and fields and a night sky full of the Milky Way.
The measure of how weird it feels to be disconnected from all your phones and tvs and cars and radios and fluorescent lights and microwaves and jack hammers and neighbors and everything you are used to from living in a city is your “damage assessment.”
If you don’t feel odd at all, good for you! You aren’t damaged from your city livin’.
However, if you feel nervous, or vulnerable, or disconnected – the intensity of that feeling is equal to how much living in the city has fucked you up.

Do you remember how quiet it was the afternoon of 9-11 and the following days?
I remember walking my dog and wondering about the odd silence.
I was living in Chicago at the time. A city that gets just a wee bit more sleep than New York. Alyosha doggie and I went outside. There was something different, but I couldn’t exactly place it. There were fewer cars on the road, and not as many people walking on the sidewalks, but that wasn’t it.
I looked up and realized that there were no airplanes in the sky.
Chicago has a highly trafficked airspace. It has two major airports (O’Hare and Midway) on opposite ends of the city, plus some smaller airports (well, Mayor Daley took care of one of those in 2003) With no air traffic, there was a solitude to the city sky. It was unnerving to have a quiet in that vast blue overhead.
There is something intrinsically wrong with feeling weird because the sky is silent of machinery cutting through it.

When there is a power outage in your home, block, neighborhood, it is quiet. Storm-related power outages were not uncommon when I was a kid. I cherished those times. It was so peaceful, and exciting at the same time. We kept a heavy yellow flashlight magnetized to the fridge. Mom or I would retrieve it, then we would open the drawer with the thick white emergency candles. We lit those candles and placed them strategically around the house. We didn’t want to challenge the darkness, we welcomed it (but still wanted to be able to read).

Elie Wiesel wrote in his book, “Dawn”
“Night is purer than day; it is better for thinking and loving and dreaming. At night everything is more intense, more true. The echo of words that have been spoken during the day takes on a new and deeper meaning. The tragedy of man is that he doesn’t know how to distinguish between day and night. He says things at night that should only be said by day.”

I think that all these gadgets and noise and electronics act as a buffer for us against the night. We have an instinctual fear of the dark, but like many of the residual animalistic instincts we still have buried in our reptilian brain, over the millennia it has gotten distorted and misshapen into a caricature of what it started off for us: a protective device. Now we Masters of The Physical World fight back against the dark, our unknown assailant, by flooding it with neon and spotlights and noise in hopes that will keep the shadows at bay.

addiction

Every media outlet I came across reported that Philip Seymour Hoffman died of a heroin overdose.

It is indeed a loss of a fine actor, and it is sad when anyone succumbs to addiction and worse when the addiction wins.

I read many comments about Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death and it got me thinking about how people frame addiction. I’ve heard people talk about being saddened for the loss of the actor, that we will miss out on great future performances. Some people say they don’t feel sorry for famous people who die of overdoses – as if they deserved it. Those folks accuse the famous of being selfish. So on one hand, we grieve the loss of their talent and on the other hand we condemn them as if they had any control over their addiction, this terrible disease. We objectify the famous person as not more than their talent and get angry at them for not giving it to us. I think that perhaps it is we who are selfish.

“He was so talented and had everything and threw it all away.”
That’s not how addiction works.
Just because someone is talented and from the outside appears to be doing well in their relationships and financially does not mean they do not suffer from demons. Addiction is cross-cultural, and doesn’t care about class or talent or intelligence.

“Some pour so much emotion into their craft. Seems at times it comes with an expense.”
This assumes a lot about the actor or artist. (I recall a Laurence Olivier quote my dad used to like telling me, ‘upon seeing Dustin Hoffman`s “method” acting technique of not sleeping and making a mess of himself to get into character while shooting Marathon Man (1976)’
“Dear boy, it`s called acting.”

Everything risky has a potential dire consequence. Hell, living has dire consequences.
We hear about the few famous people who die of overdoses, but we don’t hear
about the multitudes of middle-class, poor, or homeless that die everyday from overdoses. I’d change it to, “Being human can come at such an expense.”
And I would wager that the numbers of not-famous people dying of O.D.s is far larger than famous people.

“Money doesn’t buy happiness.”
No, but I am happy when I don’t have money stress. Money can buy food and shelter.
Last night, an astute friend remarked that “Death is happiness for some”

Some people are locked in a cage. Dying releases them from that cage.
Philip Seymour Hoffman had talent, family, money, but he, like a terrifying number of people, was locked in a cage.